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Turning Fifty Just Isn’t Funny!

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Fifty just ain't funny

Turning Fifty? A few considerations for you……

You know you’re turning fifty when the massive knickers and flowery fleecy nightie your Mum bought you three Christmases ago suddenly look appealing. When considering buying clothes, the turning fifty version of you considers a different set of factors in the whole choice making process to the forty version of you : is it comfy? will it wear well? and -can it be worn with my favourite flat shoes?

What to Wear

Another thing I’ve discovered about being a woman turning fifty is that no matter what clothes you pick out of your wardrobe to wear in the morning, you always seem to have picked out a cloak of invisibility. You can’t even remember when or where you bought it, but somehow you always seem to put the wretched thing on . At least it hides the elasticated waistband of your comfy trousers, but it’s still a damn nuisance when you’re wanting people to listen to you.

Oh boy- you’re turning fifty and there’s no turning back when that’s your biggest consideration…..or- worse still- when you think that an elasticated waist is no longer a crime against sexiness!

Wear Whatever You Want!

However, being invisible does have its advantages. Now there’s no need to spend ten minutes every day stressing about what top half goes with what bottom half, and what makes you look fat/ frumpy/ tarty/ old-fashioned/ like someone’s gran.

No one even notices because they can’t even see you half the time! believe me, when you’re turning fifty you could turn up at the office Christmas party in the fleecy flowery nightie your mum bought you and no one would even notice!

Secret Knowledge

But I’ll let you into a little secret which just might cheer you up about the prospect of turning fifty: the advancing years comes with an unexpected bonus which you never saw coming: you don’t care. Is that it? I hear you say, somewhat disappointed. I know it doesn’t sound that great, but it is, actually. In fact, it’s quite…well..empowering- yes, that’s the word!

The Wisdom of Age

Because with age comes the wisdom that it comes to everyone. Even the brightest, most fanciable and successful person who is irritating the hell out of you today will get a massive bite on the arse somewhere further down the line. It’s just the way it is- so don’t worry about it!

No room for bitterness when you’re turning fifty– work with what you’ve got and enjoy that little smugness that comes only with the knowledge that you are wearing massive knickers and nobody knows it.

it’s Not Your Fault!

Another great unanticipated benefit of turning fifty is that I finally don’t feel guilty anymore for anyone else’s decisions. You just stop blaming yourself for all the rubbish decisions your kids have made. Finally, you stop thinking that if only you’d brought them up differently then they wouldn’t have dyed their hair blue, or dropped out of school, or gone off with that awful boy/ girl.

Stop Blaming Yourself

No, you realise that they probably would have, actually. Because let’s face it- no teenage child listens to a word their mother says anyway. The fact that you weren’t able to get out of work to see them playing shepherd number three when they were in reception didn’t really ruin them for life. Nor did missing them playing the back end of a camel in the year 2 nativity.

Time to stop blaming yourself and just get with things. After all, your turning fifty self knows that today your kids are becoming vegans, but tomorrow they will be tucking into bacon sarnies.

Turning Fifty and Food

Ah yes- the fifty-year-old you has learned a few things about food over the years. How ѕtауing healthy bу еаting whole, frеѕh fооdѕ iѕ WAY bеttеr thаn tаking fivе tо ѕix pills a dаy, for example. Chocolate cake spends a moment on your lips but months on your hips. You know all that stuff – of course you do.

Sadly, you will probably take this advice very seriously and you will need to endure many months of self-inflicted recipes for kale- inspired concoctions. These recipes are guaranteed to make you shed pounds in weight, as you chop up a storm in your kitchen and throw copious amounts of green stuff into the greedy belly of your newly-acquired smoothie maker.

Don’t Despair!

No, please don’t cry– I turned fifty a few years ago and I discovered that, thankfully, this phase doesn’t last. However, yoga comes next, then pilates, meditation, and perhaps Samba classes. None of these things are actually bad for you, of course. Don’t worry if they happen to you: it’s just the cycle of life.

Now look, you may think that I am a cynical old so-and-so, and you have every right to think that. But what I don’t want you to believe is all the over-hyped nonsense you can hear about 50 being the new 30, or whatever.

Get out there and be extraordinary!

What I do want you to do is to burn that invisibility cloak and get yourself out there. Make them notice you, by all the extraordinary things that you can do now that you’re turning fifty. Remind yourself that you don’t give a flying monkey about what other people think anymore.

Remember my words of wisdom: one day everyone will get a bite on the arse, but today it’s not going to be yours.

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4 thoughts on “Turning Fifty Just Isn’t Funny!
  1. Jacquie Doucette

    Great reading! Turning fifty is certainly a freeing time!! Nice work, Christine!


      Glad you enjoyed my tongue in cheek version of turning fifty- let’s do our fifties in style! Thanks for your comment- keep reading!

  2. Paul

    Christine I enjoyed your description of feelings on reaching “that age”.
    It is but a number.
    I feel its how you react to “the number”… that is important


      That’s so true, Paul- thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed the article, and would be curious about a similar article from a male point of view.

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